The NFL cares about animals

PETA recently discussed protesting the NFL over Michael Vick's purported dog fighting syndicate, and that makes me feel like a big ball of, well, dog shit. It's not fair that because one dumb, crack-addicted shitty quarterback, the rest of the league has to suffer. I love animals, but I love football just as much. I mean, I watch both the Super Bowl and the Puppy Bowl every February, and if I to pick a side, I just don't think I could.

So what I did was write to PETA about the whole Vick situation, to prove to them that the NFL isn't a corrupt, animal-neglecting business. As this is a difficult time, the NFL players, coaches, and owners have banded together to fight this, and overcome PETA's disloyalty. First, the letter:


Dear PETA,

I love your organization and everything you stand for. While I eat animals for lunch, dinner, and sometimes breakfast, I do support your cause. And please be aware that I only eat animals that are slaughtered in the slaughterhouses; none of this back-alley stuff for me. I find no problem with eating some beef or pork, you know? But when they try and sell me a Siamese cat or some dog meat down in China town, I just can't eat that, right? It's just inhuman. And inhumane.

On the subject of dogs, I wanted to be forward with you on your protest of the NFL. Michael Vick grew up in Virginia, where times were tough and his mother had to scrap together as much as she could just to feed her children. Do you know how she got that money? Prostitution. A foul act, indeed, so far be it for Michael Vick to fight a few dogs here or there to feed his family.

I graduated from the Michael Vick school of thought in that running fast is really cool, but more importantly, different dogs are bred for different reasons. Greyhounds, for example, are bred to race and help put me through college. Chihuahuas are bred to be stored in the designer purses of the Hollywood fashion glamourati. And pitbulls, as you may've guess, are bred to fight one another. Think of them like boxers, only unpaid, and without the creative nicknames and colorfully striped shorts.

With that, I disagree with your protest of the NFL. The National Football League loves animals. I bet you didn't know this, but 16 of the NFL's 32 teams are animal-based! That's half! Would a league that supposedly "hates animals" [sic] name so many of their teams after horses and birds? I don't think so. That number is even higher if you take into consideration the team logos and the inherent lack of humanity some possess. Have you seen the logo for the Oakland Raiders? Sure, I've never seen a dog wear an eyepatch before, but who are you to tell me that thing is human? And the Cleveland Browns? What the hell is a Brown? With the inclusion of the Houston Texans who, for my best guess, represent any and all living things in the state of Texas, including animals, your total comes to a whopping 19 teams. Some animal negligence on their part, huh?

You are not alone in your struggle, PETA. American Indians have oft-protested the legitimacy of the Washington Redskins, citing that they're "racist" because their logo has a grump-faced Indian on it and the term "redskin" is no longer in active use. If I can't call Chief Tiger Cloud a redskin, then what the hell am I supposed to call him? You tell me, PETA. You tell me.

In the end, your protest is no different than the highly industrious field turf installed in the majority of the NFL's many stadiums - it holds no water whatsoever. If you think Roger Goodell and the NFLPA will just buck this thing, you're in for a long, sleepless night. The Super Bowl is annually the highest-rated program on television, and you think some little strike is going to hurt them? Last I checked, PETA, Baywatch was cancelled and Martha Stewart was sitting at home contemplating calling up the pals she made in prison. The NFL will not support your protest and will deal with Michael Vick accordingly.

Best of luck and keep fighting (not biting!),
Derek Walker


With that at hand, what about those who suffer, here? What about those representing the league, on the billboards and posters across America? They are the victims here, not some dogs. Without PETA, well, they might as well be left to the dogs. So here's a few photos I've found on various NFL-related websites, showing the world just how much they care.


First we have former Cowboys coach, and Hall-of-Famer Tom Landry who, in his famed hat, holds a cute pooch by the name of, you guessed it, "Five Trophies bitch!" This photo, believed to be taken shortly before (after?) his death in 2000, should serve as proof that not all Dallas Cowboys are dickheaded dog-beaters.
Is this the face of a dog whose legs are beaten repeatedly by his owner? Why no, it's the face of a dog in love!


Next we have St. Louis Rams' sensational wideout Torry Holt! A consumate professional on the field, Torry is more lax off of it. We all know Torry's dog "Steve" agrees that his owner loves animals - heck, he plays for the Rams!
When not catching 100 balls a year, Torry Holt crouches uncomfortably against a graffiti-ridden wall in a town not resembling his own!


Hey! If it isn't New Orleans Saints sensation Drew Brees! A wizard at the passing game, Drew's dog "Koko B. Ware of Dog" sure gives him a workout during one of their many games of fetch! Koko is even a survivor of Katrina, making he and his owner survivors, in a way.
Throw this dog a bone, Drew! We all know you can!


Some people are just cat people, though, and there's nothing wrong with that! Dolphins alum Don Shula emphasizes a strict gameplan with his cat "Snickers," feeding him only the best kitty food and giving him plenty of exercise! It's a regimen that is surely undefeated!
"Hey Marino, guess how much weight I lost on that Nutri-System?" I guess you can't blame the coach for keeping both himself and little Snickers fit, can you?


The Falcons may no longer sign Jim Mora, Jr's paychecks, but that doesn't stop him and his cat "Playoffs?" from having a ball (of yarn!).
Grab hold, Playoffs?, Jim's about to give you some of that West Coast offense... a few runs with his fingers over that little belly of yours, complete with plenty of passes along that gorgeous coat of fur!


When the Chicago Bears' third or fourth-string quarterback Kyle Orton isn't partying with drunk college girls, he's partying with his snake "Quarterback Snake."
You might find a worm occasionally at the bottom of Orton's tequila, but that's nothing compared to Quarterback Snake, the five-foot coiler in this Bear's camp!


Whoa, slow down a minute! It's Dominic Rhodes and his bird brain has made it all the way to Uganda to hand out birds for the children. Is that honestly the doing of a man you'd arrest, PETA? I don't think so!

First he played in the Super Bowl, now he's the kind and caring Super Soul of the NFL. The lone representative of the league's "Birds for Ugandans" sponsorship, Dom needs to remind these kids that these birds, while edible, make for much better pets!


Hey Coach, over here! Vince Lombardi, possibly the most prolific mind in the NFL, loved cows. Heck, coaching in Wisconsin for all those years, you almost have to! The moon may be made of cheese, and that's all his cow "Keith Moo-n" needs to jump, jump, jump for joy at it, and for the cheese heads of Green Bay!
When he wasn't making the AFL look like a pile of cow dung, Lombardi took his cow out for a walk and some pie. Cow pie!


Another genius of the gridiron, coach Dick Vermeil is often criticized for caring too much about his players. Baaaaa to that, I say! Here, Dick coached his prize sheep "Lamb of Rod Gardner" to first prize in the county fair! That fares well with me, Dick!

First prize! While the headset may be a little much for a sheep-herding competition, you've got to give it to Dick Vermeil - he leaves it all on the field. Maybe we should call him Dick Verveal from now on?


Vince Young is a Tennessee Titan, but he's always had aspirations to play for the Denver Broncos. Well, nobody wants to play for the Broncos, but I am sure his steed "Foghorn Longhorn" doesn't care who his best friend plays for.
I see Vince and I see horse. Seahorse! The only thing I don't "see" is the need to ford the waters of the Gulf with a pony, but I guess we all have different hobbies!


Who says Matt Millen doesn't care about the Lions? Not only does he own them, he trains them, too!
Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Well, one out of three ain't bad. Millen's lions Shenzi and Bonzai are natural-born winners, just like the football Lions!


So as you can clearly see here, the National Football League isn't conducive of Michael Vick's actions and love animals, big and small, smooth or scaly.