Six steps to becoming a successful comedian.

Writer's note: I love continuity.

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Today got me thinking... Derek, exactly how does one acquire chicks? Is it your big brain that the ladies are after? Is it your dyed hair that makes those lionesses purr? Or is it your impeccable taste for the fast, fatty foods? Surely, it could be a combination of any of these things, but the real way to anyone's heart, not just a female, is through their funny bone.

This had me wondering how these comedy folk do it. Night in, night out, they rattle the laughy-cages of audiences everywhere with their cunning and masterful jokes. So I've taken it upon myself to compile a list on how to become a successful funnyman in today's world. I have a feeling if you follow these tips, one or all, you will make someone laugh so hard, they'll lose their ball joints. Oh, we can only hope.


6: Don't tell "jokes"
Now now, comedians don't tell jokes anymore, they tell "stories." Stories that more than likely are truer than your Aunt Kay's cream of wheat, or Great-Grandpa Stu's toupee. "Why did the chicken cross the road" is being phased out for "So, the other day, I was in a Citgo. And inside Citgo, there was this guy name Houshmani. Houshmani! What a funny name!" Stories are funny. Jokes, while by definition, are funny, in today's society of jokesters, are not funny. That's why you see guys like Bob Saget outside of Denny's trying to get gigs.
Biggest Perp: Dane Cook, Jerry Seinfeld.


5: BE LOUD
No comedian reserves their voice, anymore. It's all "WHY AM I SCREAMING SO LOUDLY!!!" nowadays. The best example of this is Daneial Cook. It's proven fact that jokes, stories rather, are much funnier when screamed at the top of your lungs. And the stories don't even have to make sense. You could recite the Declaration of Independence, a document that isn't even funny (well, to 18th century Brits it may be, but to us Americans is certainly is not), and by screaming it, it'd be a hoot.

"HE HAS REFUTED HIS ASSENT TO LAWS, THE MOST WHOLESOME AND NECESSARY FOR THE PUBLIC GOOD!!!!!!!!"

Hi-larious. You could even make something as un-funny as a natural disaster seem hilarious in this wonderfully rhythmic prose. Take Mount St. Helen's for example:

"AT 8:32 SUNDAY MORNING, MAY 18, 1980, MOUNT SAINT HELEN'S ERUPTED. MANY DIED. LOTS OF DAMAGE WAS CAUSED. CHILDREN DID SOMERSAULTS IN THE ASHES OF THEIR HOMES AND SHAT ON THE GERIATRICS."

Funny!
Biggest Perp: That fat, long-haired comedian that died from drugs and had a really annoying voice, and wore those greasy, dirty clothes and looked like he lived on the street, Dane Cook.


4: Make funny sound effects
Since normal, uneducated audience members don't know what everyday objects or appliances sound like, it's in your best interest to give them the heads up on what you think they sound like. This most often comes when you're deeply embedded in a fast-paced story, and you just know there's an opportunity to bust out one of your over-done, sounds-nothing-like-the-object-I'm-imitating effects. Here's a little example.

"So one day I went by my buddy Jerry's place. Jerry loves his fucking moped. He loves it so much he let me drive it. VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM SCREEEEEEEEEEEECCCCHHHHHH!!!!! I slammed on the brakes and I hit an old lady in the fucking calves! OWW!"

Again, funny stuff. Never be afraid to imitate something you find funny in everyday life. Just because it makes a funny sound doesn't mean you can't mock it by voicing it.
Biggest Perp: Dane Cook, Pablo Francisco, The guy from that Midas commercial where he goes "Errrrrreeeeeeek!" simulating the sounds of screeching brakes.


3: Be self-depreciating
It's common practice to hate yourself when you're on stage if you're a comedian. This is an easy, yet somewhat amusing way of getting people to feel sorry for you, and drop a round of applause in your sympathy jar. The comedian will be heavily involved in his story, pull out a few sound effects, and then shoot himself down, even when he's getting huge hoots and hollers.

"So you know, there was this cat down in Arkansas named James. And James was so damn huge he could swallow catfish whole. MMMGLOBALOB MMMM GULPGULP. I know, that was awful...that was James swallowing a catfish. God, I'm so fucking stupid."

At this point, the audience would go "aww," thus boosting the funnyboy's self-esteem to tell more awful stories about his everyday, mundane life.
Biggest Perp: Dane Cook - ssssssssss (the sound of food 'cook'ing).


2: Swear. A lot.
It's yet to be proven that swearing cures cancer, but I'm willing to bet that half of these story-tellers think it does. Talking like a sailor with a nail through his foot not only accentuates the current joke you're on, but it makes you seem more "mature." Because only real adults swear. Kids, they never swear. Only adults. Mature ones. With fancy cars with 3 doors and supreme trunk space. And a profile on HotJobs.

"So back to James... this motherfucker was so fucking HUGE! He ate catfish! Probably because he was so fucking fat, and fat fuckers eat a lot of fucking catfish. Goddamn this shit, it's so fucking amusing! And I just said "fuck" seven times in the span of less than one paragraph! Ahhhhhhh exclamation point!"

Too funny. Yes, swearing can help out a story or a joke, if used in moderation, but it most certainly doesn't help if every other word out of your mouth starts with "F" and rhymes with "duck."
Biggest Perp: Dave Chappelle (with 2 P's and L's), Dane Cook, Bob Saget, post-Full House, pre-living out of a shopping cart.


1: Be callous.
I'm not asking for you to push your grandma down the stairs (or am I?), but at least be as disrespectful as you possibly can. Whether that means being racist, discriminatory towards fat Koreans, or just hurting something random in the most random way possible, do it. For me. In fact, I've devised the "Dane Cook 'Hurt Something' Generator." Check it out.

I just want to [how to hurt someone/thing] it in the [body part].

Here are a few examples. Be sure to make them as radically awful as possible.

"I just want to stab that baby in the fucking eyeball!"
"I am going to chainsaw that grandma in the vagina!"
"I just feel like sporking that tatertot in the ovaries!"
"I just want to throw a ball of spikes at Dane Cook's third teste!"
"I punched that oversized mountain elk RIGHT IN THE JAW!"

Never, ever be afraid to improvise. You can yell towards the end of your little spiel, there. Go forth and scream out the location of where you want to hurt said person. It's quite easy, really.
Biggest Perp: Dane Cook.