1. The
This motherfucker is the coolest bird and dare I say, animal on the planet. Mickey Mouse? Bugs Bunny? Marvin the Martian? Not a fuckin' chance. There's more than corn in 
His clothes are so awesome.
2. The Oreck vaccuum guy
News flash, people: Dave Oreck is the baddest motherfuckin' spokesman/old person on this planet and maybe even the collective terrestrial bodies as a whole. His name? David Oreck. His occupation? TV vacuum salesman. His hobbies? Kicking ass, taking names, and selling vacuums. I wish this guy was my grandpa no, wait, I wish this guy was my dad. How cool would it be to come home to this guy?
Daddy Oreck: Hey son! How was school?
Derek: *removes baseball cap* It was alright I guess.
Daddy Oreck: *russles my hair* Alright I gueeeessss?
Derek: Yeah. I was selling Mr. Waterman those spare vacuum compressors like you said I should do and at the last minute he says he doesn't want them.
Daddy Oreck: *clenches fists and dons a Zorro costume* Where does this "Mr. Waterman" live? I'll put his fuckin' skull on a plate and provide his family with a dainty funeral. At'll show him!
Derek:
With father's day coming up, I want to buy this man something. Would, say...a vacuum cleaner be too obvious?
These fellers can't believe who they're standing next to. And neither can I.
3. "Blank Check"
Such a masterpiece. Ok, here's a quick rundown of the plot: Rich bad guy runs over fag's bike. He's in a hurry so he gives him a blank check. Kid somehow cashes it in for a million (exactly a million, too, not to seem too obvious) dollars. Kid and random black guy buy shit. Kid macks on a broad 20 years his senior. Kid loses it all but the movie has a happy ending or something. This movie defined so many childhoods it makes my freaking nose bleed. The part where the kid and the bitch get caught in the fountain makes my dick move. Sure it's unrealistic that a bank would just hand over a million dollars or even have that kind of dough on hand, but who the fuck cares? Tone Loc delivers an Oscar-worthy performance in this masterpiece. Tom Hanks? Fuck Tom Hanks and fuck Forrest Gump, this deserved the Oscar. It deserved all the Oscars. Best supporting actor? Tone Loc. Best actor? Brian Bonsall. Best actress AND best supporting actress? Karen Duffy, peoples. Karen. Duffy. Best scene involving a negro and a 12 year old twerp named 
I <3>
4. Jive haircuts
What exactly are "jive haircuts"? Haircuts that only Mexicans and blacks get. Now, that's not a knock. You just don't see a white man gettin' a fade or a Hindu rockin' some cornrows. I love how certain ethnicities have their own hairstyles while white people just have a system of confusing numbers that corresponds to the length. We don't get cool, bitchin' names to show off our hair do's. I never tell the chick down at the Hair Cuttery (yeah, I go there, you got a problem?) to give me an "el fade" or "los cornrows" do I? I just tell her "short" or "thinner." It's so much easier being white, but I gotta give it up to you urbz, you know how to do some hair.
Shave it all!
5. Grimace
Not enough can be said about Grimace. He's big, he's purple, he's unafraid to slap a dyke when provoked, and he gets all the action from the fry girls he wants. And believe me, when you're the fucking Grimace you're getting it all over the fry girls. Many have questioned what exactly a "grimace" is. Those people don't have a goddamned clue. Grimace, obviously, is an alien bringing happiness, joy, and glee to school children and obese over-eaters everywhere. That's a grimace. And why do people always complain about him, asking what he is? What the fuck's a Hamburgler? Is it a man or a nymphoid or some sort of zombie or what? Seriously. And what kind of bird is this Birdie whore anyways? Jeez. Lay the fuck off Grimace. Never have I heard so much shit for such an awesome, Hershey-Kiss shaped badass like I've heard for Grimace.
Grimace gets ALL the bitches, rain, sleet or snow, he gets his ho.
6. Mel Gibson's last-year beard
Come on. Just look at this fucking thing.
'Nuff said, niggas.
7. Tim Taylor's hotrod
Through-out the history of Home Improvement, all Tim would go on about is his goddamned hotrod. And all Jill would ride his ass about is that stupid hotrod. "Tim, put down those tools and come to dinner!" and "Tim, put down those tools except for the power-drill that doubles as one of those fucking machine dildo things you see on the websites while the kids are still at karate, soccer, and play practice and fuck me on the dinner table, then enjoy some of my famously bad cooking, grunt a few times, bring up what Wilson said to you 5 minutes ago and somehow manage to completely miss the picture, injure yourself in some hilarious fashion, put down Al's mother, and talk to your family about good, clean, wholesome fun, with or without an theme relevant to the overall plot." That's how it always goes, man. But back to the 'rod, man... that was Tim's baby. His pride and his joy. He poured so much blood, sweat, tears, and semen into this thing that it makes the sticky floors down at the discount cinema seem tame by comparison. And in one of the last seasons, he finished it. And it most likely exploded off-camera. Just his luck.
Haw haw haw haw!
8. Schemer from Shining Time Station
Schemer was (and still is, in my heart) the lousiest human being in the world and yet, he was such a warm, thoughtful character. And that's why I love him, because he schemed people...he didn't joke around. He didn't mess with you. He didn't pull pranks, oh no. He played schemes, all of which were equally devastating as the black-paint around the eye of the periscope. In fact, half his schemes WERE the black-paint around the eye of the periscope. Not the most original fella, but dammit, he TRIES! Is that worth NOTHING to you people? Schemer was defined by his slick hair, sharp outfits, and hell-fucking-yes, those blue suede shoes! Pop a quarter in that juke box and rock the fuck out, babay. Holy balls was Schemer the shit. Here's a picture of the guy in a train, seconds before he slams the thing into a group of school children.
Next stop, orphanage!! lol!
9. Victory Auto Wreckers guy
For those not native of the 
Whoamg!
10. The Charmin bears
These bears are the ultimate in awesome. Why? Because any bear, let alone group of bears that can wipe their collective assholes out in the open, in broad daylight, and get away with it deserve to have such praises. Most bears will run up to you and rip your clothes off before tipping you on what toilet paper to run out and buy, but these rad dudes aren't mean. They aren't queers like that kid from Snuggle. They're genuine nice guys who are there to offer a helping paw to those in need. Don't know where to wipe your bung? Come to the forests near the Charmin factory, plenty of ass-wiping room and plenty of bears smiling and eating shit. Fuckin' aye.
That big bear totally has a camel toe.
11. Amelia Bedelia
This dumb slut is much unlike Mr. Magoo, who haphazardly runs around and actually accomplishes things. Ms. Bedelia, however, runs around, but she fucks everything up. And it's hilarious. No matter what you ask of this fucking woman, she will fuck it up. As her to take a shit before she fills her panties and she'll run to the nearest port-o-let and scoop out as much crap as she can using the palms of her hands. What a wretched excuse for a woman, eh? Naw, see, Amelia KNOWS she's fucking up and has been keeping the act up for years! At first you're all like, "Oh noes, she's gonna ruin the party!" but then you're like, "Oh yes, this bitch is rusin' these assholes, step on that cake, woman!" And all is good n the hood. And shit.
Odds that cake'll be on the ground in the next...second? 1:1.
No comments:
Post a Comment