For every titan of daytime talk like Maury Povich, you have a second-rate lank like Montel Williams. I guess the irony in it all is that I prefer Montel’s smooth jive and neatly trimmed goatee over Maury’s wrinkle-face and condescending demeanor. But hey, I’m just atypical. Other personalities floating about the airwaves include Tyra Banks and her Ken Griffey-sized forehead and Jerry Springer, as well as now-defunct vehicles from Jenny Jones and Ricki Lake. No matter who you tune into, the basis of the program will be relatively similar to something you’ve already seen a million times by now, which is why I’ve taken upon myself to break it down for you.
Generally speaking, there are six “go-to” subjects a talk show host could fall back on in the event they’re running short on ideas for the week. Any of these topics will produce not only the desired ratings, but the “oohs” and “ahs” from the captivated audience. So, without further ado:
Paternity
The most common trend on these shows is paternity tests for irresponsible couples. The stories are nothing out of the ordinary: white trash floozy sleeps with 27 different guys at the party and cannot determine who her baby’s daddy is. So Maury brings this hapless slut on stage, humiliates her by calling her on her life’s many mistakes, waves a folder in her face for about an hour, then reveals that none of the two dozen dudes she boinked that day is the father. It’s pretty humorous, as the reactions of the mother and father of the child almost always conflict with one another. She will be so certain of one of the men being the father, but he will stalwartly disagree. I think this is explained better with a little sample dialogue, actually:
Maury: We have the results in. Kortni, Chazz, are you ready?
Kortni: Yeah Maury, look at that baby. Look at that baby! Look at those eyes, Chazz! Look at her! How is that not your baby? She has your eyes!
Chazz: Whatever, whatever. That baby ain’t mine, Maury, it don’t even look like me!
Maury: Well, the results are in – Chazz… [pause]… you are NOT the father.
Chazz: *celebrates by throwing hands up in air wildly* YEAH! YEAH BOY! I TOLD YOU!
Kortni: *cries uncontrollably, runs backstage*
[Maury follows Kortni backstage]
Maury: Hey. Hey. What’s wrong?
Kortni: He my baby’s daddy, Maury. I just know it.
Maury: But he’s not.
Kortni: But he is! I just need a daddy, Maury! I need a daddy.
It’s estimated that close to 55% of all daytime shows are paternity tests (according to this spiffy pie chart, anyway). Do we really have nothing better to do with our time than to watch this crap? The answer is… no. To this day I still revel at how they are unable to afford an abortion, yet have enough money to pay for 600 paternity tests. It really makes you wonder.
What to look for:
-A contrast in opinion between mother and father
-Showing the baby on the big screen looking cute
-Portrait of the mother: usually missing teeth, in trashy clothing, nappy hair, Southern accent
-Portrait of the father: almost always in oversized clothing, hair way too short or way too long, traces of facial hair, generally a person who no woman would normally have sex with
Obesity
Coming in second place is tales of fat people, usually children. At least one program a week is dedicated to these disgusting Michelin babies. We tune in because we are not them and the human mind is generally fixated with bodily wonders. If you’re telling yourself you have no interest in the bearded lady or those African people with the plates in their lips, you’re a liar.
What I find enjoyable about this topic is when the parents bring their chubby, shirtless child onto the stage. The audience gasps, the camera pans back to try and get the entire thing on film, and the mother starts crying. It is at this point where the production people will roll some home video of the child eating a breakfast composed of two slabs of ribs, a porterhouse steak, three servings of mashed potatoes and gravy, macaroni and cheese, a few chicken breasts, a full pancake dinner, and a large pepperoni pizza, with a two liter bottle of Coke to wash it down. For breakfast. At the end of the clip, the diapered tot will be covered head-to-toe in barbecue sauce and will still be hungry.
Back to the live action, the mother (it’s always the mother) will blame the child, which again makes the audience suck a breath of air into their lungs in awe. It’s amazing to think that it could be solely the child’s responsibility to feed themselves and pay for all this food single-handedly. No where in this did the parents say, “Hey fatty, here’s some more food. You asked for it, and instead of being a halfway responsible person by telling you ‘no,’ I am a person of weak moral character, so I choose to give in and keep feeding you until your little heart explodes.”
Then you have the fat adults, Jesus Christ; don’t even get me started on them. But those are usually “special” episodes encapsulating some somber ass story about how a half-ton mammoth of a man lost half his weight and is getting back to a healthy lifestyle, despite the fact that he still weighs a good three hundred pounds more than the rest of the world.
What to look for:
-Fat children with as little clothing as possible, if only to emphasize their amount of rolls and lack of an “innie” belly button
-Crying mother
-The child approaching the camera and/or doing something cute to play up the sympathy/“we’ve got to help them!” card
-While rare, cutting out the wall of a house as the obese person cannot fit through the doorway is exciting
-Home video footage of the child eating way too much food for their own good
Bad Children
I’ve seen the movie Problem Child (and loved it!). I’ve also seen its sequels, as well as the first two Home Alone films. Based on my taste in cinema, you can assume I am either unreasonably homosexual, or a pedophile. Or both, even. But the truth of the matter is I love films about spoiled, idiotic little brats running around beating the living shit out of their elders, the more unconventional the method the better. So it isn’t too out of the realms of possibility that I would enjoy shows discussing little annoying punks who make their parents’ lives a living hell, is it?
The mother (again, just the mother) will come on first and explain her side of the story. She will chit and chat about how their kid is on drugs, drinking and having sex at age 10, even though their reproductive organs aren’t fully functional yet. Then they are likely to cry as the show focuses more on how their bad child abuses them or those around them. Once again, the parents are never, ever at fault, and the blame is shouldered 100% on the child. It’s not like they could be bad parents or anything. I mean, is that even conceivable? Of course it isn’t.
These episodes are generally pretty hilarious and are chockfull of audience feedback. The crowd always sides with the inept parent, and will gasp in horror when they hear the list of bad things the kids have done. Because, in all our lives, we’ve never done drugs, had sex, or held negative thoughts. Then, near the end of the show, they will interview the upstanding citizens in the seats, allowing them to ask questions to the bratty children, usually followed by a “whatever, you ain’t own me!”
The cherry on top in these shows is when they bring out the large, overbuilt black man who will “whip these kids into shape.” That’s right, boot camp! Screaming at the top of his lungs right in their faces, this angry gentleman will jump up and down, veins bulging out of his thick neck, and force the kids to do push-ups or something. After the guy pops a few blood vessels by screaming so loudly, the kids will start crying like the little cocaine-snorting heathens they are. Then, apologetically, will hold their mothers and claim to change right there, on the spot. It’s magical.
What to look for:
-The producers will set up a “back room” full of various unaccounted for merchandise. This is a trap, as they want to catch the kids stealing the goods, or damaging their property to prove they are, in fact, “bad kids”
-They will always introduce the kids with those swiveling camera angles and quick cuts, as if the producers are telling them how to act backstage. And the kids will always rattle off a list of how “bad” they are
-The boot camp guy will always be in full military attire, as if he is a General in the army. And will always be black
-I like to play a little game with my friends when these episodes air; we predict how many guys the underage girls have slept with, and what drugs the boys have done
Makeovers
The screen goes black and white, a frizzy-haired lady is struggling to get her brush loose from the rat’s nest she calls a head of hair, and the inaudible screams of a matron in distress fall on deaf ears. This isn’t the scene of a Judy Garland flick, although I can see how one would make that assumption; it’s yet another dramatization in the world of daytime talk.
Clips like these are pivotal to the program, which usually centers around a mother who works too hard, and a family who wants the best for her. More often than not, they’ll show the lady in ludicrously over-the-top situations to exaggerate her problems. Now, this could be something as dimwitted as spraying two cans of hair spray simultaneously, or pretending to have a back ache of epic proportions.
Before the parent is brought out, a little backstory is given by the children or spouse. So and so works too hard, they think they don’t look bad, they’re burn victims or sensationally poor, so they are just, if not more worthy than anyone else receiving their life-altering appearance change. And it’s always one of those three things, too, which kind of says something… “if you cannot afford your own makeover, you are not hard-working, poor, or lesioned enough to deserve one.” Is that what we’re telling ourselves?
But that’s only half the show, of course. The other half revolves around how incredible these ugly sons of bitches look after their treatments. Speaking of those treatments, it should be noted that it is just a hair cut and dye job, and a new outfit. It’s never like, sucking the extra lard out of mommy’s ass, or giving dad that colonoscopy he so dearly needs. And after their trip to Borics and the Gap, the make-overee gets to strut their stuff in front of a ravenous crowd and a most rambunctious, excited family. Pretty formulaic, but nevertheless satisfying.
What to look for:
-The black and white flashback segments are always funny.
-There isn’t much variety in the type of people getting a makeover. It breaks down to a woman needing her hair de-frizzed or an outfit changed, and a guy needing to cut the long hair/beard he is so attached to and to stop dressing grungy.
-Almost always, the person in question will be unwilling to change and think they look halfway presentable when we know that isn’t the case.
-The people cutting the hair will, 9 times out of 10, find a use for tin foil. “What do you need? Just a trim? Alrighty, let me get out the Reynolds Wrap, here.”
Opposites Attract
That’s the phrase, anyhow. But is it true? Well, as daytime talk shows go, it certainly does. And I guess leave it to these programs to show us that love can blossom between a midget and giant. Part of me thinks that is a fetish, where the really tall guy just wants to wear the short woman around his waist as an ornament, but I could be mistaken.
The stories here are never too fulfilling. Fat woman marries skinny man, the aforementioned tall and short people – issues of size, mainly. Other than that, they always have a really old lady on there and a 14 year-old or something ridiculous to break the monotony. I personally would rather date someone who is more similar to me than opposite, as it is nearly impossible to imagine me shacking up with a midget. Or woman with below-zero metabolism. Or a really heavy midget. Eww.
But the moral of the story here is that opposites can, in fact attract and in doing so, the couple is happier than most couples not featuring an albino and an unreasonably dark black guy. However, this is 21st century America; is a height differential really that daunting anymore? Here are some suggestions on future “opposites attract” episodes:
-A woman who has found love in a horse
-A man involved in a polygamous relationship with two dead brides
-One of the Blue Men is engaged to a lady with orange skin (which actually seems plausible, given today’s tanning solutions… or if they date Gerbert)
-A Hitler re-enactor and an Anne Frank re-enactor find true love
What to look for:
-Midgets. Lots and lots of midgets
-Despite their differences, they are always, without failure, happier than we are
-Awkward bonding techniques. The big guy will always put his little queen on his shoulders, or the fat chick will always let the little man use her as a chair. It generally makes the host uncomfortable
Wishes Granted
What a terrific idea for a show, everyone. Let’s gather a handful of the most colorful deformed children we could find and grant their wishes for them. Well, OK, that was a touch harsh, but the point stands. Whenever a show like Maury takes a break from paternity testing, they’ll scrape the bottom of the barrel by giving people with random illnesses a “wish” which they will then grant. It works because A) everyone naturally feels sorry for diseased kids and B) it’s a feel-good story we could all, heck, feel good about!
The segments usually start with the parents of the children, or the children themselves describing how life-threatening their cases are. Little Johnny has TB, Little Shannon has mouth cancer (too much chew, you dumb broad), Little Blackie is over-porous from being shot too damn much, and the list goes on. But hey, don’t worry kids, despite the fact that you’ll, uh, die in a few years, we have a big shot celebrity here to cheer you up!
And off they go to tour Yankee Stadium and spend the day with Mandy Moore. These are all really heart-wrenching tales, but they’re done in the matter where cheese factor isn’t at all taken into account. It’s just bad television, but I guess that’s why suckers like me keep tuning in.
What to look for:
-The illnesses are never that life-threatening where the kids will die the next day or something
-It’s always interesting to see what these kids’ wishes are. Usually it involves a shopping spree of some sort… because the thing I want to do most before I die is picking out clothing I’ll never have a chance at wearing
