Who's Your Caddy? for Best Picture.

Oh my shit, I've just seen a television spot for the best movie in history. It is called "Who's Your Caddy?" and stars... black people, and that fat 30 year-old from MTV2. Today's Hollywood lacks all the necessary racism and over-the-top golf puns this film seems to provide. I mean, the title is a pun in itself - a play on the oft-asked, oft-unanswered question, "Who's your daddy?" My daddy is Dave; he is 53, loves pornography, and barbecues every Sunday afternoon. Who's yours?

I suppose I don't understand that question to begin with. I'm not sure if it is supposed to be taken literally, or jokingly or what. A lot of black dudes used to say it when the Fresh Prince and Penny Hardaway were rad, and I know they generally don't have fathers, so who knows.

The film is directed by USA Network legend Don Michael Paul, an actor/writer/director with a staggering three first names. To think, most people struggle with one. With hits like "Renegade" and "Pacific Blue" already to his credit, I predict Who's Your Caddy? to open to huge numbers. Like, mega-huge. I'm not entirely certain on a number, but I'm ballparking around $120 million for opening weekend, but that might be a tad low.


A Hummer golfcart with rims! Why didn't I think of that?

I love "black people" movies, and I hate coming off as slighting or racist, but there's no proper term for the genre yet, to my knowledge. For my birthday, I'm asking for "Are We There Yet?" - another film whose title ends in a question - on DVD. Hey, I can't help it, I love Ice Cube.

I know this flick will be the standard "black people try to do a typically white people thing/sport and get turned away yet end up doing it anyway because they're an overcoming people and at the end, show whitey a lesson in how to 'get down'" piece, but I know I'm going to love it. It's films about overcoming the odds that I love, and this one will surely be a hole in one with that. It's like they're taking Tiger Woods' life, and throwing it on the big screen, only with more hip-hop music and racism.


The "CG" on his chest could only stand for one thing: "creative genius."

I know what you're telling yourself - "them 'colors' dress funny!" "That spook looks like Rerun!" And that's fine, that's what you're supposed to think, because the film is totally serious. Black people actually dress like that and Who's Your Caddy? nails 'em on it.

I'm not seeing this movie because Bruce Bruce and the midget from Bad Santa are in it (amongst a cast riddled with Academy-worthy black actors, or, as I know them, "blactors"). I am seeing it for what it's worth, a few laughs, and the effervescent screen presence of Jeffrey Fucking Jones. Yeah dude, Mr. Rooney is in this shit, and he's going to rob the Oscars blind come time. The man just knows his way around the acting bizz like no other. If you haven't seen his work, I suggest 1995's critically acclaimed, buzz-worthy laugher "Houseguest." It really, ahem, hits home on the funny. Oh, and I've heard good things about that "Beetlejuice" movie he's in, too, but Tim Burton's pretty gay.


Writer's note: Jeffrey Jones' middle name is, in fact, "Fucking."

I am hearing great hype for this picture already. While big-name honchos like Ebert's cancer-ridden corpse and Dick Roeper may not appreciate the collaborative genius that is those behind Who's Your Caddy? I sure do. But I really don't expect much less from Big Boi and company. Laughs, as they seem, are par for the course in this comedy.

Basically, all sports lovers should view this movie. Everyone who has even heard of Tiger Woods or has played miniature golf should see this movie. If you have a pulse, is what I'm getting at, you should see this movie. The people who make films like this, rap stars and, you know, they need to feed their families. All overpaid homosexuals like Tom Cruise and uh, Clint Eastwood need is to feed their oversized egos. Just see the movie, you won't be disappointed. And if you are, you can punch me in the testicles.


If you laughed at this photo, you are a racist. All pro-golfers wear kilts on the green (especially ones who can't point out Scotland on a map). Dipshit.